What did we do last night that was yellow?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
