Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
