So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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