Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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