it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
