Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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