you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
