we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
