apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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