look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
