I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
