I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
