Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Who died my cat blue again?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
