my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
