cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
