There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
