There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
