R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
