Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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