Having a random hookup so left but love u
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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