I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize