Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
