Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize