cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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