My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
