Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
