I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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