TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
