OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
