Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
