i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
