i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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