i permit you to call me
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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