yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
