so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
God, you're like boner-b-gone
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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