as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
