someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
are you so shy because you have an std?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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