Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Randomize
