I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
