When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
