Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
