I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
