i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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