just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
