Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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