Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
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