where am i from again
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
