I murdered the dance floor call the cops
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
