hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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