I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
