I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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