Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
