The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize