i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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