I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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