If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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