I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
